“Daddy there’s monsters in the house.” Ah, the same sentence that gets uttered in every movie trailer when you’re looking for a good scare. But wait just a second, Mary! We find out these monsters……are humans. Total.Mind.Blow. Humans armed with crow bars and a wicked right cross. Now, this movie can be anything as of right now, couldn’t it? But, since I am youtubing this, I am well aware that it is a B movie for the ages, Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning. Mr. Jean Calude Van Damme and Mr. Dolph Lundgren reprise their roles as Universal Soldiers Luc Deveraux / GR44 (JCVD) and Andrew Scott / GR13 (Ivan Drago).
For those of you counting at home, there are roughly 6 or 7 of these films out (http://www.imdb.com/find?q=unviersal+soldier&s=all). Not really sure which ones officially count and which ones don’t, but needless to say if Brussels and the Swiss Cheese Man (Dolph is from Sweden if you’re wondering why that joke was soooooo hilarious) aren’t in them, I’m not watching them. Ok, so flash forward to today where I was white guy jumping for joy as the trailer slowly pre-loaded on my old computer.
OK, guy gets hit by monsters and now is in the hospital when someone asks him if he’s seen this man? At this point in a trailer we should get a hint at who they are referring to, especially when the use of Jumanji type music zooms us in on the photo. Well, talk about your all time backfires because dude in picture is wearing a mask! Come on, US:DOR, you’re better than this. BUT, WAIT FOR IT…..they reveal it’s Luc Deveraux! Not just any Luc Deveraux, but a shaved head, distinguished looking Luc Deveraux. When he enters the trailer in all of his early 90s glory, I’m not thinking of him as a monster though. I’m thinking of him dancing in Kickboxer.
Either way, I dig it. Then a bunch of Tom Fullery of generic B movie action scene stuff happens (Army guys, river boats with machine guns), but then that voice hits. The greatest audio overlay since Bill Pullman in Independence Day. The voice of Dolph Lundgren speechin’ it up for all us puny mortals. Say what you will, dude can command a few lines. Hey, if Peyton Manning and Shaq can sling Buick’s talking like they just ate a giant bowl of peanut butter, then DL can give me RL Stines as he talks this way to us.
We find out through poorly made graphics that any student at ColumbiaCollege could do better, that the Universal Soldier Program is OUT OF CONTROL. Stop the presses, hold the phone, but what does this mean? Well, if this trailer is any indication that means that jacked dudes in camouflage tank tops will be fist fighting. But who can stop it? Only one man. Psh, whatevs. I don’t know this one man. But I do know the living legend with the perfectly bald head firing a pistol straight in the air (obviously killing two birds) as a car spirals away….so good luck, hero.
Cue, action scenes:
- JCVD grabbing a guy’s neck with no expression on his face, A.
- Hero trying to kill the Universal Soldiers catching a bat as it’s thrown at him, D.
- Dolph Lundgren and Hero fighting 2 inches away from each other, but using their guns, C-.
- Car crash a split second after hero says it’s not safe, B+.
- Stripper scene and hero wearing beater shooting a shotgun (AKA My Saturday nights), C.
- JCVD Super Death Back Kick, A+.
- Scott Atkins doing his best Only The Strong impression, B.
- And finally Dolph Lundgren shirtless, kicking and then yelling the tag line of the move, A++++.
The trailer is everything you hoped it would, but unfortunately everything you thought it would be too. I regret to inform you that I will be seeing this movie, but with no JCVD full splits executed in the trailer, what’s really the point?
Trailer Grade: D+
Post By: anthonyfanelli