Happy Halloween: a review of Troll 2

I propose a new movie rating system. Not one in place of any current system, but in addition to. This movie system would gauge a movie’s watch-ability  I think we can all agree that there are just certain movies that someone should see in their lifetime, whether or not they make AFI’s top movies list or would be among those “Certified Fresh” on Rotten Tomatoes. Moves that excel in both quality and watch-ability would get two A’s for example. We need to separate quality and watch-ability  There are movies out there that are just plain bad and shouldn’t be seen by anyone: Southland Tales. There are movies that are excellent but probably shouldn’t be watched twice: Requiem for a Dream. Then there are the bad movies that should be watched by as many people as possible, the movies that should be watched in a group while drinking–Troll 2 is one such movie.

There are many bad movies in the world, but only an elite few are somehow both entertaining and terrible. One could argue that Birdemic: Shock and Terror is the worst modern film ever made. Or maybe The Room. But what separates Troll 2 from this masterclass of contemporary shitty film-making  is that it might be the most entertaining, terrible movie you’ll ever see. Unlike The Room, with its overproduction and terrible acting, or Birdemic, with it terrible production and terrible acting, Troll 2 is exactly what its supposed to be–an anti-vegetarian allegory in the guise of a horror film written for an American audience by an Italian writer and director who both appear to have no concept of what Americans actually sound like. Well, more than just appearing that way, they didn’t. Yet they demanded the cast speak the words as written. Which works out pretty well for viewers.

The film follows the Waits family during a summer vacation. For whatever reason the best idea they can think of is to swap houses with a family from the remote farming town of Nilbog (spoiler alert: “Nilbog” is “goblin” backwards). Unbeknownst to the family, the dead grandfather visits the youngest child as a ghost, to warn him about the vicious, vegetarian Goblins that inhabit Nilbog. You might wonder why anyone should be afraid of vegetarian Goblins. Well, while these monsters might not eat meat, they do turn people into plants, and then eat the plants. So, you know, there’s that. From there you add a witch, some weird townsfolk, and a group of suburban male teenagers trying to score and you’ve got yourself a movie. Oh yeah, and the movie never calls them Trolls. Why Troll 2 is called Troll 2 is a story in and of itself. The film is not a sequel to Troll, so don’t worry.

An almost entirely amateur cast working with an almost entirely Italian-speaking crew. The dialogue is awkward. The special effects are bad. Some scenes are so baffling that they almost seem like the director is playing a joke on the audience–that the ruse here is making an intentionally bad movie just to mess with people. What makes it all the more fascinating is that the director takes the movie absolutely serious. That scene where that kid is killed by large amounts of popcorn by a barely dressed women in an RV? Yeah, that’s not a joke. Don’t believe me? Watch the documentary Best Worst Movie. But don’t worry, the director and writer didn’t actually think that vegetarians were evil, they were just annoyed by all their friends who were becoming vegetarians.

I’d tell you to make a drinking game out of this movie, but any rules I give you would spoil it. I do recommend you get a group of people together, get a few beers, and enjoy one of the most entertaining, terrible movies you’ll ever watch.

F-, A+

(F- for quality, A+ for watch-ability)

Post By: tylerphillippi

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